Sunday, September 04, 2011

Letting go...

I've never been good at letting go...of anything! I like change; I love adventure; I hate endings and goodbyes. I've spent much of this year preparing myself that at some point Melia would move into her own room...and breastfeeding would come to an end. I expected it would happen sometime this summer so I had ample time to emotionally prepare myself for this big change. On nights when Melia woke multiple times, or mornings when she was awake before 6am, I'd feel really ready for this change. I bought the new queen bed linens, a cute lamp, valences, a big decal for her wall (a beautiful tree)...Chris and I picked out paint colors and I begged him to start painting. It took many nights of hard work (he painted the trim, the walls, the doors!) and the room was finally complete. On September 1st, Melia, 20 months of age, moved into her beautiful big girl room ~ just next door to me.

She did great! We spent a good amount of time playing and reading books in there in the days leading up to the big move. She was happy in her bright new room. And when it was time to turn off the lights, she said, "night night" as she's done every night for quite some time.

I didn't expect it to be that easy. For her.

I cried. I wept for the baby who was no longer a baby. I thought of how I'd always been RIGHT THERE to meet her every need; and how awesome that has felt. I was overcome with love for this little girl...who is turning into a confident, independent, strong person. I felt a bit sad that she didn't need me anymore. Of course she needs me, but not the way she's needed me for months gone by. Things are different now.

I am happy that this has not been stressful for her. She seems to really like her new space. She's been less emotional about this transition than me, but that's ok. And, along with a new room, I think the end of our nursing relationship is eminent. I've decided I won't offer, but wait for her to ask. Last night, she was ready for bed after we snuggled and read several books...and I held her tight and said good night. I can't keep offering because I want it to continue. I need to follow her lead. She is ready. I must be too.

I disagree when people say "it's about time." It was never about time at all. It was about a mom and her little girl feeling ready for a big change. We were ready in our own time.

And now, I've been sleeping a bit deeper and a bit longer...enjoying some quiet time in my room before slumber (with lights on!). I will admit, I'm running into her room pretty quickly when she wakes up (which today was 8am!!); and it brings me great joy to see her big smile. I never imagined loving with this kind of intensity. She amazes me and fills my heart.
My big girl.


At 1:25 PM, Blogger cheris said...

Sigh... This reminds me of when my last baby was done. Graham was 20 months and I wasn't producing much anymore. We were just in it for the snuggle time. One night he got really frustrated nursing in the rocking chair with me. I whispered, "Do you want me to get a sippy cup of regular milk for you?" He paused, considering carefully, and whispered, "Yes". So I did, and we rocked for a while, both sad. He knew what was happening. That was the last time he nursed.
It was definitely harder on me than him.


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